"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and prefector of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12 v 1-3
Well let's not waste any time and get right to it... I have always been overweight, I have always been heavy and I enjoy my food (and a lot of the time, far too much) it is the biggest struggle in my life! For years I found myself being caught like a hamster in a wheel, going round and round and round in a vicious circle until I would crash land and fall off! I have yo yo dieted for years, I have tried slimming world, uni slim, weight watchers... you name it I have tried it! (I'm not knocking them, you find what works for you and go for it!) I was always good at starting diets and have always worked out, but the eating has always been my downfall!
Looking back now it's horrible even just thinking about my weight problems always leaves me with a massive pit in my stomach, breaks my heart and is gut wrenching all rolled into one! This cycle, unfortunately, has left me plagued with insecurities that have damaged me and I carry so many scars that ultimately have hindered the beauty that I know God says I am! (remember the Eiffel Tower list!)
You see... my reasons for wanting to try and lose weight for all those years was all about being thin, wanting to be seen as beautiful, being able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and more than anything be attractive to guys! I failed spectacularly for years, and every time I failed I got angry, cried to my mum and dad, got jealous of others who were "getting what I wanted and succeeding" and I should get a medal for how much I would pull myself down and beat myself up over failing... yet again!
With this mind set, I was only ever going to fail! I know that now!
In 2015, what I can only describe now as a miracle happened, I finally found my ON switch. Please note I say "I found it" as that was the year that I fell out with God!
The penny dropped and I finally realised that if I'm going to do this, and really do this, I have to do it for ME because everything I was feeling, until this point, was based on and wrapped up in pleasing other people, wanting to be accepted by people, wanting to fit in and wanting to look good to other people! I am sure some of you reading this may feel/or have felt the same, it's OK... you're not on your own!
I had started to work out with a trainer (Thanks Anthony), and rather than following any fads or diet programmes my trainer had advised the simple process of low sugar, low fat and controlled carbs... It was great and it works for my body! I had my "beast mode" on, I was training super hard (and loving every second of it), I was dropping weight and inches, fighting fit, full of energy and my commitment and endurance could not be rivalled! It really was such a rush and I was loving pushing it and challenging my body and seeing improvements every week... what I was also loving was that no one was telling me to do it, I was in complete control and it was and has been the one thing in my life that I had ownership of and I loved how it was my space to clear the head and I worked SOOO hard to earn my results... it just felt so so good!
To this day I still hold to that, you have to do it for yourself and you need to find your on switch to endure, persevere and find joy in earning it!
Then that October, a little TV programme started called SAS Who Dares Wins! If you haven't seen it, it's not for the faint hearted or sensitive ears... but for me from the very first episode, I was hooked on seeing people being physically and mentally challenged way beyond what they felt they could cope with!!
There was a defining moment for me in the first series when Jason "foxy' Fox was running the recruits over Pen Y Fan in the Brecon Beacons. Setting aside my little crush on foxy for a moment... LOL! I was in awe... the man is a machine, he ran over the mountain AND BACK, and was barely out of breath! WOWWWW, I then went in to my trainer the next week and said "I would just love to be that fit"! to which his response was, "There's your big goal and you can do it, I know you can!" ... trust me, there was laughing in my head, but with how well I had done so far, for once in my life I felt and believed, I can actually do this!
My training continued, I got stronger and fitter and was feeling so good. I have never experienced this before and it was a real boost to feel better in myself too. Then over the following 3 years; I needed challenged more, so as you do... (LOL) I signed up and completed Tough Mudder (12 miles through mud with 30 obstacles), I have indeed completed 12 hours and 36 hours with the SAS with an organisation called Break Point! Always a good fun fact when people don't know you .. hahaha! - it's still strange hearing myself say it!
Yes... the main cover picture for this blog is me with Jason "Foxy" Fox and Matthew "Ollie" Ollerton from SAS Who Dares Wins after a taking a hammering at Break Point with them! I can confirm that while they scare the living daylights out of you and nearly kill you during their SAS courses, they are two of the nicest guys I am very blessed to have met and spent time with! Last year I took on my biggest nemesis in fitness when I started running, and without the experience of SAS with the guys I would never have dreamt of being able to mentally push through or find the stamina and endurance to complete a leg of the marathon, 5k and 10k runs last year. I am not a natural runner at all so, for me every run needs a celebration at the end as I find it the hardest thing to do!
I am going to pause for a little second and look at the list again because I need to remind myself of those achievements... right now this year I have taken a hit and set back with it all, I injured my back at the start of the year, I couldn't train properly, have put some weight back on and even today, I am finding it hard to find that switch again... (so this list will be helpful going forward)!
I will be very honest and say that all the bad feelings of my weight issues from the past have really been niggling at me this last while, so much so that I am almost embarrassed to train again at the minute. This time last year I could do two hours back to back, and still be pumped, at the minute I am feeling sluggish, tired, can barely get through 45 mins and it’s really tough trying to mentally process where I am at right now with it all.
That being said, the thought process is very different this time round in comparison to how it was in the past. Over the last few weeks in talking to a friend about it she asked me what is blocking me from letting my "beast mode" out again. As I thought about it the only response I could give was that I feel I am finding it hard to put God in the middle of it. As I said before, I started my training and weight loss without my walk with God intact, and now I am desperate for God to take the reins and be at the centre. God is my everything and he has to be in every part of my life and that absolutely includes how I look after my body. My walk with with God has changed me so much from where I was 4 years ago when I started my fitness journey!
Last week I was on holiday with my SAS girls, we had good chats about anything and everything. They aren't Christians, but my faith in God filters more and more in to conversations with them, especially as my relationship with God has grown over the last few years. They see who I am in my relationship with God, they respect it and love me for it as it's very much who I am. They are also loving "The God Blog" (Thanks gals for your support!) I love these girls, we have all had a hard year with set backs in our fitness due to injuries etc.. and last week there was no judgement (and never is), we enjoyed our holiday, relaxed, ate, slept, chilled, enjoyed ice lollies and crisps by the pool and had flumps with a cups of tea before bed LOL!!
We have all come home rested and ready with new goals and accountability to encourage each other! We are great friends who met and bonded through SAS. We all could not be more different, yet we always end up on the same page with fitness and wanting to lose weight and this is a part of the journey I love sharing with them!
While praying and reflecting about last week I can see that God has changed my perspective and how I view why I want to lose weight! I'm human and feeling that negativity about how I look will always be a weakness for me, I can accept that. But there has been a transformation in that it no longer has a hold on me enough to make me cry, beat myself up, torture myself with believing those lies that "if I'm not skinnier and see myself as more attractive then I'm not worth anything and no man will want me"! LIES LIES LIES!!!! As I am writing this I am seeing Gods hand in the process and seeing him with me, so I don't even have to try and put God in it he is already here with me.
I was reading these verses last week:
"Don't you realise that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honour God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6 v 19-20
"Therefore, I urge you, brother and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12 v 1
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10 v 31
I read verses like these and they mean so much more to me than they would have before...
My priorities and purpose have shifted with wanting to get fit and lose weight... Looking/feeling good is there - but it has been dropped way way down to the bottom of the list, leaving it as the most insignificant part of my fitness journey.
I want to be healthy and honour God in looking after the body he has given me.
I want to have energy to serve God in all the opportunities and ways he has and will give me.
I want to run the race and keep looking up with my mind and heart focused on God and not all of the lies that would stop me in my tracks and beat me down!
This will always be my struggle and possibly the battle for the rest of my life... But I love how hard I worked how much I earned it and to know I achieved it and can do it. I know that God is right there by my side in it - He wants me to do it for myself, and ultimately for my good and his glory.
In looking back to the start in 2015 when I didn't want or feel God was in the fitness part of my journey... He was! I want my life to demonstrate and show who Gods is and that means having God at the centre of everything I do. The things I take away from what I achieved with my fitness are; the stamina, endurance, perseverance, commitment and determination it took to get there (and to get back at it)... are all qualities that way surpassed what I ever believed I was capable of! But what I realise in writing about this is, putting my fitness and my weight struggles to one side, there is no bigger challenge and race that these are more important for, than in my journey of running the race with and for GOD!
Whatever you struggle with take time to look at yourself, take time to love yourself and seek God in it! What I keep realising on this journey more and more is that you can't put God in a box and take him out to include him in only some parts of your life! I don't want to put God in a box, I want God to be in every part of my life.
Believe and speak God's truth over yourself and don't allow thoughts of defeat and those LIES to take you down... don't lose heart, you have it in you to run the race and know that God is with you every step of the way.
Praying this encourages you today
Enjoy :)
Emma x
